steph's blog

are my mistakes worse than anybody else's?

why did i feel so trapped tonight? i guess that's what i needed. maybe i needed the immense guilt trip i experienced tonight on the bus talking to two third-party members. i'm sure they think i'm an idiot because my reasons for doing what i've done don't make sense to them. at least i don't think they do. heck, i don't even know if they make sense to me. most of them don't hold water. the ones that do are few. i got shattered tonight. i feel so lost in my guilt for what i've done, so lost in my hopelessness, that everywhere i turn seems to grow colder and darker.

what have i done, you might ask? i've involved innocent souls in a petty struggle between my mind and my heart. drug one, in particular, down a rocky mountain path, up and down, up and down, until i've exhausted any capacity for feeling emotions. and the thing is, he's all too happy to be drug along at my heels; he waits patiently for the next vista only to be pulled down into the valley afterwards. he values the journey above the highs and lows, i believe. i love him for this. but i can't make any decisions while he's doing it. i can't decide what i want while he's here. right now he's gone, he's in montana, and i should be figuring out what i want, but the more i try to see, the more unclear my vision becomes. above all of this, i have made a mockery of god and what i percieve to be his plan by professing to desire separation according to god's plan and then violating that desire by means of a whole other mess of things.

and you would think my religious convictions are strong enough to keep me from that which i think might be wrong. but they're not. which frustrates me even more. because if i can't let god work his plan in me in my relationships, how can i let him work in me to change the world? how i can i proclaim god's word if i am so stubborn that i won't let him change me? it doesn't happen. and what scares me more than my low points in my walk with god, when i feel so far from him, is an entire lifetime of feeling this way.

and then...thinking of all this makes me miss him. the way he'll just listen to me complain forever without offering advice or pretending to know how i feel, just listening intently to every word i have to say. the way he gets the exact same thing i do at taco bell (really, really creepy, this is...). the way his smile lights up his whole face like...well, like a christmas tree. even how he gets mad when i let my guy friends treat me as anything less than a princess. i don't know. tyler, i know you can't read this right now, but i'm sorry, i'm so, so sorry. i didn't mean for things to end up this way. i'm so scared to keep you in my arms, but i'm even more scared to let you go...

and to my two friends who heard me out on the bus: thank you. please don't think that you were not unappreciated. you were most helpful. sometimes i need a good kick in the pants, i think. it just hurts, you know, and i couldn't help but feel a little ganged up on, but it's my fault that it ends up that way. please know that, as inept as i am at voicing what i feel, i do have reasons for the things i do. i hope i'm not the only one who understands them, but sometimes i fear that i am.

if you'd like to leave a message or an e-mail about this, i'd love to hear what you have to say. but please don't condemn me for what i've done. i've been to hell and back with this, and while much of it is solely my fault, few if any people know completely what i'm going through right now. in the end, i'm just a human being. i have feelings and desires like any other. i feel love and i feel pain. i paint the sunsets with my dreams and whitewash them with my fears. am i so wrong? to want to be loved, and to love that person in return?