steph's blog

geez. this life is so confusing. i really thought i had everything worked out in my head. and i guess one night of sleep shouldn't bring into question all i've worked so hard to build up for the last few days, but i can't help but wonder...

...you see, sometimes i really think that dreams are complete nonsense, just concoctions of our mind to keep us entertained while we're asleep. other times i think they're a message from god. example: one time i dreamt that my brother recieved the mark of satan on his forehead at school (as in the mark from the left behind series...). whoa! wake up call! and sometimes, like right now, i don't know what on earth my dream was last night, whether it was a warning from god or just some stupid dream.

it should help that this dream is recurring, i've had it several times before, and each time i've become incredibly confused, although this time the details were so much more vivid to me. what is the dream, you ask? well, in this dream, i'm, um...making out with someone i used to date. someone i don't have any feelings for anymore. i don't think i'll go through all the details for the sake of upsetting some people, except to say that this person said "this is a lot better than when we were 14" to me, and i said "well, i've had experience since then" (?) and after it was done, apparently i realized that i had screwed up. because you see, the day after i made out with this guy i was going to hang out with someone else, someone who is very dear to me right now, and i felt like i had cheated on him somehow, even though i have no control over my dreams...so anyway, at the end of this dream, i go find liz (she's at the mall) and say "lizzie, i think made a boo-boo...". and this is the end of my dream.

maybe i should brush this off, let it slide, but it's really affected me. i couldn't sleep once i woke up because of it. so now i'm up blogging. the funny thing is, i am going to hang out with this person today, and i do kind of feel like i've cheated on him, although it's stupid...i mean, i can't control what's in my dreams. i can't control when i have this recurring dream or why. and it's not like this dream is going to revive my love for my ex. nothing has changed. except i'm scared. scared that, for some reason, i won't be able to get close to him today, that i'll be scared away by some force neither he nor i can control...

stupid dreams. i wish they would just go away.