steph's blog

grrrrr. i was going to post last night but blogger ate it...oh well. it was really long and probably boring, so i guess i'll shorten it. so here's "last night's blog", the condensed version....

1) i made 12th chair at all region. not quite as good as i had hoped it would be (i moved down from where i should have been according to my phase I tryouts...) , but you know what? it's all good. i don't want to practice that dumb music for another month anyway. i guess i'm just a little curious as to why i got 12th, because, well, i thought my etudes were strong, and i thought i had done well enough to possibly make all-area. but if it's god's will, i suppose i can't do anything about that, now can i?

2) saw (most of) 40 days and 40 nights last night. don't ever see that movie. it is disturbing beyond words. it was so disgusting. i mean, am i just naive or something, or do some people's lives actually not revolve around their sexual organs? see, i guess to me, all the characters are just screwed up. why is it so bad to go 40 days without sex? why is that so traumatic? i guess i don't understand. i'm not sure i want to either.

3) dragons are going to state finals baby, WOOHOO!!! i will be in san antonio next weekend!

4) this is rather hard for me to say, but for some reason i feel like i want to post it, perhaps in hopes that all of you can help make me stronger....or because i can't tell him this face to face just yet:

i miss him.

sometimes it comes like a murderer in the night and stabs me in the back, and it hurts to remember, because with all the good times comes the memories of the undue pain i've caused. other times his memory puts me in a woozy dreamlike state where, try as i might to focus, i just can't, i'm just lost in rememberance of all these good times that we had.

i don't want to go back down the road i was traveling on, but i'm so scared that i'm not strong enough, that i will. everything that i used to find so gosh dang cute about him is beginning to come back in my mind-his facial expressions, his curly hair, everything...and i can't make any of it go away. do i even want to? i don't know. i don't know what i want, what god wants, anything. i can't seem to make sense of any of it. and he's leaving in a few days and it makes me so sad. i don't want him to leave. i want him to stay here with me, but i know i'm being selfish, i know it's not possible. i know we'll have time when he gets back. i'm almost scared to see him right now. i mean, i want to, i want to so badly, but i'm so scared that i'm going to do him wrong again. that i'm going to make both of us go down in flames. i don't want that. this i do know. other than that, i don't think i know anything...