steph's blog

hmmm. i wish tyler was here, because i'm in the mood for thinking, which is hardly ever.

something happened today that really struck me, i just about started bawling...it was world marriage day at our church, and fr. ken was saying a blessing for all the married couples in the congregation, and all of a sudden, one of my confirmation class teachers sitting in the row across from ours starts crying. i notice that her husband, who also taught class, is absent. it turns out that he died in the fall of last year, and she stopped teaching CCD after he died. it was so moving and such a poignant picture of grief that every time i thought about it during church i teared up. i really liked this guy, he was probably one of my favorite confirmation teachers, he had a lot of personal experience to draw from, i think i probably learned more from him than from anyone else. it saddens me to know that i couldn't comfort his wife earlier.

all of this got me thinking about how people can vanish from your life in the blink of an eye and you don't really even know how much they meant to you until they're gone forever...

...and then, in a natural thought progression, where did he go after he left this earth? i would really like to think that he went to heaven, that he is safe with god, and happier than he ever was here. but i've heard, often by people whose faith i respect and admire, that people who don't get "saved" don't go to heaven, which is exactly why we should accept god into our lives now. this statement does not target catholics, who don't really believe in being "saved", in particular, but i've heard before that, as a catholic, i'm going to hell. i'm really beginning to become disillusioned with the whole "saved" idea. yes, catholics do not believe in being "saved" at one particular moment in time. they believe that all of life is a conversion of faith, filled with many personal moments of salvation when we realize we utterly need god. it's not a one time thing where people realize they need god and then continue with their lives as before, as i've found with many christians. i do realize that, as catholics, i know a whole lot of people who go to church and live one life and live another as soon as they step out of church. obviously this is wrong, regardless of religion of faith. but how much does faith and works factor into the picture of salvation? this i question. it can't possibly be all works, because faith is about relationship and not religion...but it can't be all faith either, else why would jesus warn us repeatedly about the sheep and the goats, the left and the right, hell for those who do not treat their brothers and sisters kindly, and heaven for those whose faith leads them to lead good, righteous lives?

comments appreciated. i hate having faith crisises. i feel so lost, like i couldn't stand up to anything because internally i'm so weak...