steph's blog

uhhh...this might freak out a few people, but i'm going to post anyway, it's on my mind...

does anybody really think about the future? i mean, really think about it? not just let it come to mind every once in a while only to push it back saying you'll cross that bridge when you come to it, or only to define the "future" in the romantic sense of the word or the career sense of the word or any other one-dimensional meaning to that word? college forces you (hopefully) to do some good thinking on this subject, because who you are in the future is defined by the choices you make today, in most cases. a bad decision can add unexpected twists and bends to your future while a good decision can make your paths straighter. but does this really simplify anything? who's to say what's a good decision and a bad decision for the future if you don't even know what the future holds? the best answer i have for that question is to rely on God and on the fact that, in trusting in Him to take care of your future, you are making one of those good decisions in which He not only straightens your path but gently guides you down that path at the pace He wants you to take. but isn't that harder than it sounds? i find myself so frustrated sometimes because i can't sit back and be patient and wait for God to show me the next step on the path to the future. i'm willing to do whatever it is God has planned for me, but i'd kinda like to know now what exactly that is...and yet i know it doesn't work that way. it's either complete trust or no trust at all, either black or white.

a few days ago i was asked the innocent question of whether or not tyler and i would be married in that obscure black hole called the future. my first instinct is to shrug, maybe blush or smile a little and say i don't know, it's not important right now. but is that really the right answer? there is what i know i want and what God wants, two ideas that might either coincide with each other or clash, i don't know, because i don't know the latter. i do know that i am in love with an intelligent, caring, wonderful man and that he loves me and that we are happy together and that, as we get older and graduate from college and begin life in the real world i would not at this point rule it out, but if God isn't in our relationship, i can't do anything about that, and neither can tyler. so i guess my answer to that question should have been "i don't know, but God does, and, unbeknownst to me, each day brings me closer to the day I will know, and God is preparing me for that day little by little so that when it comes I won't need a lightning bolt or a miraculous sign from heaven to know what I need to do."

guess that's it for now. sorry this got so long-winded...if you have any comments, leave me some lovin'!