steph's blog

i used to be the one who would long to hear your voice
a child who sought to win his Father's heart
but as i carried on life got a hold on me
now here i am, a child so far from home

tell me when did i lose my first love?
where did the fire and passion go?
burn in me Your holy fire
give me back my lost desire
and restore in me the love i felt for You

can i remember how it felt when they looked into my face
and they saw the love of Jesus in my eyes
when i look back on my life and question where i've been
can i really say i've done my best for You?

tell me when did i lose my first love?
where did the fire and passion go?
burn in me Your holy fire
give me back my lost desire
and restore in me the love i felt for You

where did i go?
i'm lost and i'm alone
oh help me please
lord, lead me home

father take me back and let me start again
lord, i've failed and i've fallen in my pride
but lead me back to You where my life began
revive in me the yearning that has died

tell me when did i lose my first love?
where did the fire and passion go?
burn in me Your holy fire
give me back my lost desire
and restore in me the love i felt for You

-"first love", avalon

this song has always deeply touched me, but perhaps not as strongly as it does tonight. i don't feel like sleeping. i want to know why i've grown so spiritually lazy as of late. how i could be so incredibly selfish as to take my god for granted. how i could give up moments reveling in his precious word so i could get ten more minutes of sleep. how worthless is sleeping, is being awake, is even living and breathing, compared to knowing him, and i've been throwing it all away on stupid, stupid things. perhaps what frustrates me the most is that i have all the tools right here at my fingertips. i have christian friends here. i've been going to bible study, sometimes two a week, and i've learned so much. so why can't i apply it? why do i hear God speaking to me on a constant basis and ignore him? i want to get better. i really do. but i have to more than want. i have to do. i have to make the first step. other people can't make it for me. i have to take the first step in the direction of god, and He will do the rest for me. why is it so hard to make the first step? why is it so hard to get back what i had before?

i don't show this side of me to people very often. i rarely show it to tyler. i don't know if it's because i'm afraid of him rejecting me because he doesn't agree. i don't really know why i don't make it apparent. i don't know if anyone even knows how hopelessly and passionately i'm in love with God. i don't know if i show it in the things i do, in the way i treat others, in the words i say, in the thoughts i think. i guess i don't know much of anything anymore....