a sad sad day

*climbs onto her soapbox*

ever experienced one of those times when you wanted to tell someone something but you couldn't because it was completely inappropriate, hurtful, offensive, etc.? of course. we all have. that's why we start writing in blogs. to reveal what's going on beneath the surface, to let people get inside our heads when we're otherwise too afraid. at least that's why i started one. it's better than a diary because other people get to read it, but it's also much worse than a diary for the same reason-people get offended at blog posts too. (in case you're wondering, it's not about you, don't worry) it's a sad, sad day when one of the only ways we can truly express ourselves gets restricted, contained by the same forces that shape what we say to people to their face. fear. fear of hurting others, fear of anger, of disappointment, of rejection. we let these things shape our lives and we keep our real feelings bottled up inside of us until they make us scream, defeating entirely the purpose of these online public diaries-to express oneself, to keep us from going insane.

i'd like to do better at this. i'd like my blog to become less of a masquerade for how i truly feel and more a window to my life. so you can get to know me better, but also so i can know myself better, so i can learn how to express my feelings and not hide from them, as tyler says i tend to do. does this mean people's toes will get stepped on in the process? maybe. i guess that's why they say the truth hurts sometimes. i'm not saying i'm going to reveal everything i'm thinking or that i'm never going to hide anything ever again... i'm just saying i'm gonna try my best to make this blog worth reading again, if it ever was before.

so let's start off with this: i hate southlake. really. maybe i'm just frustrated right now, but i dislike southlake more and more with every passing day. i hate how southlake pushed wal-mart out to grapevine so it's not a two minute drive from my house. i hate the new ultra-fancy street lights they put on 114 just so they can be better than everyone else. i hate how the face of southlake changes drastically every time i come home. i hate how every place has a memory, how even just driving around i can remember things i did with certain people and immediately wish i hadn't thought about it because it's something i've been trying to hard to forget. i hate that in southlake there is nothing to do after 11 PM. most of all, i hate that everywhere i look i see hypocrisy, racism, and unforgivable selfishness, especially when i look within myself...