the big'un

my heart is too full not to post.

i'm sure you've all been reading tyler's blog with its rather lengthy entries, and if you know either me or him you know that i'm the one causing the trouble here by "doing what my heart led me to do". in the last entry i also recieved criticism for not owning up to what i did wrong that led to us falling apart. i don't know if you can exactly call this a confession, but it just goes to show you that i too accept blame for things, i'm not trying to dodge the fact that i hurt people.

yes, i did dump him for another guy which i am still dating. but tyler put that fact in the same sentence as "cheating on me", in essence making it read as if they were equivalent. i don't know how else to say this, how else to stop the stream of propaganda making me seem like a lying, cheating bitch-i DID NOT cheat. it's not just because i'm in denial. tyler also brought up that, when talking to my current boyfriend, he mentioned that "this has been going on for a while", and that statement was completely misinterpreted. i promise to you that it's not as bad as it sounds, that the statement simply meant that we'd been talking a lot and getting to know each other better. you hear so many places that proximity creates romantic feelings. this is why long-distance relationships suck so badly. the proximity just isn't there, and as much as you try to keep in contact and in love, sometimes it just doesn't work that way. and as soon as i realized that this was one of those times, i broke it off. i have admitted before that it wasn't on the best terms or in the best manner, and i have apologized to the appropriate parties.

also realize that i've never blamed tyler for anything, i've never placed blame on him for ruining our relationship, because i don't think it's anybody's fault, especially now when i see that he couldn't help how he was acting towards me. the only time i've attempted to tell him what i think he did wrong was when he asked me to. if i were to point fingers here, i'd only point them at myself.

not to say that i regret what i have done. i regret how it happened, and i regret that i did such a lamentable job of tying up the loose ends that three and a half months later we're STILL arguing about it, but i don't regret what i've done otherwise.

not everyone is as systematic, as logical, as tyler is. not everyone can give a list of reasons for the way that they feel. i wish i could because i think i could please a lot more people if i were able to explain myself sometimes, but i can't, and all i have to offer is that "bullshit" line of "i did what my heart told me to". let me rephrase it in a way that might make me seem less flighty and anti-logical: i wrestled with the decision for weeks, oscillating back and forth between the two choices i saw myself as having. in the end, i listened to my heart, which told me that i needed something different, a change, something that could make me happier, and i followed that, albeit not without bumps in the proverbial road.

perhaps it's because i'm one of those artsy-fartsy abstract people, but i'd much rather listen to my heart than my head. if that makes some of my readers/responders unable to relate to me, fine. if some of you lose respect for me because i can't offer you concrete and logical reasons why i did what i did, that's fine too. i'm tired of pretending like my life makes sense, like my heart ought to follow some elaborate equation dictating how i should feel about people. i don't have to know everything. i don't want to know everything. i just want to be...