that post

trying not to be dramatic here, but it's hard...

i lost joseph yesterday.

no, he didn't die; yes, i'll still see him-he's still a part of so much that i do, and yet not. yesterday my eyes were swollen from crying so much. i don't really know how to pick up the pieces up yet and move on. i thank god that i have such amazing friends that will talk to me and reassure me and spend all night with me if they need to to tell me that i'm amazing, that life can and will go on whether i have someone special by my side. but it hurts. it hurts to think that yesterday i lost one of my best friends and that things will never be the same between us. it hurts that i'm still crazy for this guy... and yet i can't be with him anymore, that i'm going to have to force myself away from these feelings, pretend they're not there, and do it all with a smile so the world knows i'm okay.

really, the actual split couldn't have been any cleaner. there's no bad blood. i don't feel any resentment or anger towards him. yesterday is the first time in a while that he's had really, genuinely nice words for me. i know he (as well as i) have a lot of issues to work past before we can think about being in another relationship. this was bad timing though. really really bad timing. valentine's day is in two freakin days. it was so hard not to burst out crying in central market last night as i walked past paper hearts, flowers, teddy bears, chocolates, etc. with jessica. any girls who want a date for V-day should contact me pronto :-)...

i feel lost. as much as i don't want to admit it, when we split he took a big part of me with him, and now i feel more helpless than ever. i don't know how to function by myself. i don't know what it feels like to be single. with the exception of two days in the middle of last april, i've pretty much been dating someone since the end of my junior year of high school. so here's to two and a half years of togetherness, and now an unspecified amount of blessed singleness. admittedly, i'm a little curious to see what this is all about. i imagine it carries with it a whole new set of joys and disappointments. i guess i'll be trying those out.

so do me a favor. if you see me walking around the music building or campus or wherever, stop and give me a hug and tell me this is going to be okay, that i'm strong, that i'll make it. it would totally make my day. my mom's coming today to spend the weekend with me. i'm so grateful that she's coming. i almost went home this weekend but she was gracious enough to offer to come down. we'll bake cookies, go shopping, maybe get a pedicure? we'll see. i hope she comes soon. don't know how long i can be alone with myself right now...