steph's blog

i don't understand. my life is not hard. i have everything going for me. my classes are pretty easy. i have amazing friends.

why am i not happy?

lately social situations have made me so tense that i'm unable to enjoy the moments i have with longhorn band. my whole body tenses up. it's like i can't move or speak. i've talked to directors about this and they're telling me to just relax but i... don't... feel... like... i... can. if i relax, things are just going to get worse. i'm going to get yelled at again. i've failed at this so many times. the worst part is that i can look at it and know that it's all so incredibly stupid, but i can't seem to keep myself from getting hung up on the specifics. it's partially linked to the whole control issue i talked about below, but it's also paranoia. ever since wed night i'm afraid that half of drumline hates me now, because i lashed out in anger to someone who was making-and has been making me all semester-very, very upset. it wasn't like me to do that at all. i spent most of that night curled up under a blanket, watching the world series but not really watching, trying to figure out where i've gone wrong. this is not me. this is somebody else in my body.

i've barely seen paul all week. it's not a good thing. i feel selfish for wanting to see him more when he's been studying like crazy, even if i'm just asking if he wants to do lunch... i feel pathetic even asking. i've been down this road before. it's not a good feeling. i don't doubt that he loves me, but... ? when you really have to pull his leg to come over so you can cook for him... what does that mean? probably nothing. i'm making a huge deal out of nothing.

selfish.

i'm dressing up as an emo kid for halloween. how appropriate...