steph's blog

i'm beginning to realize what a pathetic, pathetic situation it is when you get mad at your best friends for not knowing who you are, and then realizing that the reason they don't know who you are is because there's something inside of you that won't let them see who you are.

it's because revealing yourself, totally and completely, is a very revealing and potentially embarassing thing. it's something i feel like i haven't done until quite recently, and even then to only one person with whom i feel completely safe. i'm still not really ready for my closest girlfriends to know my darkest secrets. the problem is, when will i be ready? when we've spread out in all four directions? when i'm older and less stressed out? when i don't feel like three's a crowd?

i've been reading this research article about people with absolute pitch and autism-related behaviors, and it got me thinking about how sometimes i really intensely feel this disconnect between me and people i talk to, like they don't understand me, don't get my jokes, are confused when i talk to them. it's the same thing that never lets me get as close to people in a group as i secretly want to. i am never as intimate with people as i want to be. i'm constantly dodging doing things with one group i don't feel connected to in order to do things with another group i don't feel connected to. it's a really strange situation... and a painful one at that.

good lord, this entry and others are emo beyond belief. i apologize, but i don't retract what i said. i think secretly i hope someone will read this and realize that i'm dying to talk to them, but too scared to initiate it. and however high school that is of me, i don't even care anymore because that's how it is.

going to bed now. night night