steph's blog

time for a survey that is actually useful. i take this from twyla tharp's book the creative habit: learn it and use it for life, which is an absolutely amazing book if you are someone who has or plans to make a career in the creative arts.

note: this is so much more for me than it is for you.

1. What is the first creative moment you remember?
my first piano lessons, age five, in my teacher's house. we had them in her formal dining room on a beautiful upright with stickers on the keys. we played through an entire series of theory and performance books-lots and lots and lots of really cheezy songs, but i guess it turned out all right. the first performance i remember came several years later (I was maybe eight?), but i remember the room, the applause, and the smiling faces. it was a great moment.

2. Was anyone there to witness or appreciate it?
My teacher, I suppose... and my best friend, who had joint lessons with me for a few years... and my parents, who loved to hear me practice. i've always had people around to witness my piano playing. throughout high school, i got up around 5:30 am to go practice piano in the morning, and my mom used to lay in bed listening to me play. that sounds really crazy to me now, but i guess i was crazy in high school.

3. What is the best idea you've ever had?
i can think of a lot of great decisions, but not a lot of great ideas... and those are very different. i think the best idea i've ever had was to not procrastinate and to give 100% to everything i do. that idea has never failed me. it's probably not an original idea - my parents have always instilled it in me - but, you know, they also instilled in me to keep my room neat, and that hasn't happened yet :-)

4. What made it great in your mind?
i thought it was the right thing to do. i was tired in high school of people who never devoted their all to anything. i thought that the way you become good at something, the way you make an identity for yourself, is to work hard at the things you do. if i hadn't thought that way, i probably would not have chosen music.

5. What is the dumbest idea?
the thought that being with someone you hate is better than being with nobody at all, and that sweeping conflict under a rug makes it go away.

6. What made it stupid?
it never worked. i thought that staying with someone was easier than breaking up with them, even if you knew you were closer to hating than loving them. when i did work up the courage to break it off, i felt relief. that's when i knew that that was a dumb idea, and i made a pledge not to stay with someone i honestly didn't believe i could marry someday.

7. Can you connect the dots that led you to this idea?
Sure, although it's a little personal... I was actually single for a good while in high school, and along the way I learned (from having crush after crush on completely unavailable people to me, one person in particular) that being single was a painful, painful process. so i got into a relationship. and when that one failed, i was back in another one three days later. after that one failed, it was only two months before i was casually dating paul. and though i don't regret any relationship i've been in, i know i could have done some of them better, caused less pain, etc., by breaking things off earlier. i think i'm closer to paul, actually, for not feeling like i pathologically need to be around him, need to feel like i'm in a relationship all the time.

8. What is your creative ambition?
To seamlessly pair words with melody with harmony, all on the spot; to be as expressive and intuitive a musician as i can me; to use my abilities to help others; to use my creative abilities to make me a better person.

9. What are the obstacles to this ambition?
Sometimes i don't have the ability to do what I know i can do to help because i'm quite shy. i think at times my words get lost in translation. i'm still working on removing all prejudice from my heart and my life.

10. What are the vital steps to achieving this ambition?
Believing that i can achieve it, working hard every day to achieve it, searching my heart and mind so that i'm at peace with myself, and being very, very proactive in the way i advocate what i do.

11. How do you begin your day?
I turn off the alarm, hop in the shower to refresh me and wake myself up, check my e-mail and my websites.

12. What are your habits? What patterns do you repeat?
I have way too many habits to count: nail-biting, visiting celebrity gossip websites, falling asleep during movies and post-lunch classes, etc. i'd like to also think i have some good habits: starting projects way before they are due, going on runs, and getting enough sleep to sustain me through the day. but really, when i think about it, i probably have more bad habits than good ones.

13. Describe your first successful creative act.
at a very young age, i would put on plays with my brother and my two cousins. my parents have tapes of us hamming it up while we were visiting in chicago- being the only girl cousin, i was rather in charge of putting this whole song/dance/theatre act together. those tapes are hilarious to watch :-)

14. Describe your second successful creative act.
when i was around 7, i started composing music for piano. my first pieces, as far as i can remember, were entitled "boogie blues 1" and "boogie blues 2". suffice it to say that i was no child mozart, but i was extremely proud of them.

15. Compare them.
both are incredibly silly... but a difference is i think that somewhere in between the first and second events, i learned the importance of writing things down (or at least, getting someone to write them down for you) as a way of keeping things for the future. i have a lot of my compositions written down, but i wonder at times how many i no longer know and will never remember.

16. What are your attitudes toward:
...money: I hope I have enough someday to live a life i love for my entire life, and not a cent more.
...power: is something that ought to be used with caution and responsibility.
...praise: is something everyone needs and deserves on occasion.
...rivals: you can never go wrong by trying to outclass them.
...work: is essential for a life well-lived.
...play: becomes more essential when you have more to do.

17. Which artists do you admire most?
My lesson teacher, my composition teacher, Andy Narell. i'll leave it at there for now :-)

18. Why are they your role models?
-I admire my lesson teacher (Tony) because he is practical but innovative. He does what he knows works, but at the same time he is always looking for ways to improve himself and stretch out in different directions (and stretch his students along with him). he is also absolutely in love with his family, and it is visible to everyone that knows him.
-I admire my composition teacher (Greg) because he, also, is practical. he is the kind of creative person who is destined to succeed because he has the drive to continue making himself better, to devote his time accordingly to what he loves when so many young composers get lost in the philosophy and stay there for years, never finishing a thing.
-I admire Andy Narell (steel pan jazz player) because he had the vision to take his instrument and move it where it has never gone before, and he continues to move it in new directions.

19. What do you and your role models have in common?
I'd like to think I'm fairly practical, but I know that I'm also a dreamer. I do have drive and vision for my life, though i fear it wanes at times when I'm really unsure about things.

20. Does anyone in your life regularly inspire you?
Many people- my brother, my mom and dad, my teachers. They inspire me to keep going in hard times and be the best person I can be, whether it is in my art, my family, my friends.

21. Who is your muse?
Keegan. I know that he will never know how much he inspired me. In my mind, he represents a entire population that I would say is my muse.

22. Define muse.
The people for whose spirit and presence in your life you create your art.

23. When confronted with superior intelligence or talent, how do you respond?
it takes me a while to process it because i am overwhelmed by awe and inspiration. then i do a quick mental debriefing: what was so superior about the act? i try and pinpoint what exactly caused this rush of awe and wonder. then i let it take root in me, try and make it a part of me.

24. When faced with... how do you respond?
Stupidity: i laugh... and then i feel pity.
Hostility: i draw back and play wounded.
Intransigence: i try to see their point of view... usually, i can't.
Laziness: try and snap them out of it.
Indifference: i try to recognize the unseen evil in it so that i can change it.

25. When faced with impending success or the threat of failure, how do you respond?
with success: i take a sigh of relief - and then get back to work.
with failure: i take a minute to freak out - and then get back to work.

26. When you work, do you love the process or the result?
I love the result, but I think I love the process more. That's because in music therapy, you often don't see the result because you are only a part of the process. i absolutely live for those moments where someone takes a tiny step towards their recovery. it is so joyous.

27. At what moments do you feel your reach exceeds your grasp?
Sometimes I overburden myself, believing and wanting to show others that i can do it all. then i learn that doing so violates my principle of doing everything I do do, well. then i have to give stuff up. but i still want to do it all. i always feel like if i'm not doing anything, I ought to be. I hate feeling idle. I need to move somehow.

28. What is your ideal creative activity?
creating music that reaches the hearts of people where they are in their lives, music that is not selfish or self-serving.

29. What is your greatest fear?
i won't be good at it. i will wander through life in a sea of mediocrity. that sounds cheesy, but it's true.

30. What is the likelihood of either of the answers to the previous two questions happening?
Very good, and not very good. I know that I can do it.

31. Which of your answers would you most like to change?
I retract my answer to #12. I think, when all is said and done, I have more good habits than bad ones. i just have a couple of vices too :-)

32. What is your idea of mastery?
Having the highly developed technical abilities to do what you do, paired with an extraordinarily developed ability to convey emotion and meaning.

33. What is your greatest dream?
put simply, to make a difference in the lives of others. to know that other people touching my life caused me to touch others, who in turn touched the lives of others. to know that i am an active, viable member of that cycle.