steph's blog

i am like most people in that i forget most of my dreams minutes after awakening. i am also like most people in that a few dreams stick in my head and haunt me for days.. and last night i had one of those dreams.

it was a dream about someone who i wish i had kept closer to me once i left for college, although we lived a thousand miles apart. during the dream, we talked about our lives, and though there was a lot of catching up to do, it lacked all the awkward moments i always feared would be there. more importantly, i felt fulfilled, as if i was doing something i had meant to do for a long time. i felt happy.

then i woke up. and i swear i've rarely felt so alone as i did this morning, staring up at the ceiling, wondering if my experience was a divine sign or merely an eclectic mixture of all my thoughts of the day.

i know it's normal to lose touch with your friends from high school, sometimes even your close friends. i know there's no helping the fact that i haven't seen this friend in over two years - it was neither hers nor my fault. i know i can't change the fact that i didn't really talk to anyone about anything my entire first year in college, and that i hurt some people (her included) as a result. i was young, i was stupid, and i was wrong. but is it too late?

the longer you wait to talk to someone, the harder it becomes. the more you push your feelings under the carpet in hopes they'll disappear... the more intensely they suddenly crop up again, tearing you apart.

i'm sorry this entry is so emo... and i'm sorry for the vagueness with which i write. but i'm determined to resolve this. the feeling of fulfillment that i felt during my dream is what i strive for. it was deeper than happiness. it was, in a word, wonderful. i want to experience it again - in my real life.

in other words, snow (ice) day today - possibly another one tomorrow. i had an amazingly large chunk of ice on my windshield. getting ice off your car with a scraper is an amazing way to let out aggression. just saying :-)