steph's blog

coming home from "The Sum of All Fears" tonight (which, by the way, is a pretty good movie...), i heard my song on 89.7, which is, by the way, the BEST radio station there is...

am i at the point of no improvement?
what of the death i still dwell in?
i try to excel, but i feel no movement
can i be free of this unreleasable sin?
never underestimate my jesus
you're telling me that there's no hope
i'm telling you you're wrong
never underestimate my jesus
when the world around you crumbles
he will be strong, he will be strong
-relient k, "for the moments i feel faint"

this song, the first four lines especially, seem to describe my relationship with God as of late. i know i need God but i can't escape this apathy that surrounds me. am i at the point of no improvement? yes. relationship with God is something that should get stronger, and mine grows weaker each day. i try to excel but i feel no movement...my spirit longs for something deeper but my flesh weighs me down. each sunday in the pew i pray for healing and i go out and i live like hell. why is that? why must i be such a hypocrite? so self-righteous, so...didactic, and yet i can't live up to my own standards i set for other people.
don't get me wrong. my life is wonderful right now. i get to hang out with my friends and have fun all day long. then (sometimes, fortanutely pretty often...) tyler takes me out or we stay in and we have a blast. i love my life. but right now it feels empty. it lacks that spiritual depth that i crave. nothing in this world will ever fill the hole in my heart.....it's a God-shaped hole, lol, that sounds so cliche, but it's true...

i know i don't talk about this much. it's kind of a personal thing. i just feel my heart overflowing tonight with feelings i can't describe and i don't really know why. ahhhh... the emptiness. worst feeling in the world...