steph's blog

church made me feel somewhat better. i kind of wish i hadn't posted earlier, but now that i think about it, it's good to get all these thoughts out. i haven't written poetry in a week or so. guess that's kind of a long time for me...it helps me get what i'm feeling out. i don't really even like the previous one all that much, it sounds a bit forced to me, but it's all good. it said what i wanted it to.

there is someone in my life who is the object of all the struggle i'm facing. i'm sure you all know who he is. i didn't really even know him or even care all that much until i started to eat lunch on B-days before percussion ensemble with him and some other people last year, and i came to discover that he was a really sweet, interesting guy. and that he liked gushers (he'd always let me have some though). lol. so when he asked me to prom and to banquet (what an interesting night that was...) i said yes, thinking this would be a great time to get to know someone i didn't know all that well. plus, to be honest, i was a little jealous of everyone going to prom and me not being able to. ya know. well, anyway, the weeks leading up to banquet/prom were cool because i'd call him about something prom-related or so and we'd end up talking about completely random stuff for an hour and a half. it was like i could talk to him about anything and it wasn't wierd at all. that's one of the things i love about our relationship now. but if anyone's changed from then to now it's me. i don't think he's changed a bit except he went off to college. but he's still the same sweet guy i knew. why did i have to change? did i change at all? or do i still feel something somewhere for him deep inside me that i'm just scared to admit?

you know, i've really felt God move in my heart sometimes, and i knew that it was him, it was like a sixth sense. and i do not wish to forsake my God once again, do something drastic without the complete conviction that it's the right thing to do. but i pick up on signs every once in a while that confuse me. like this morning (before i wrote) i was blog-hopping and i came to ben's blog and was reading about l-mart...he said that we all should find someone like lauren (and to change the gender as appropriate). well, i have. i have found someone that embodies everything i ever looked for in a guy. and yet this voice inside of me that i can't explain keeps saying that he is not mine to have. which i suppose is the root of all my frustration. i'll never really even know how lucky i am that he loves me. but i'm so scared that i'll never be able to give him the opportunity to show it the way i think he wants to...

i continue to ask that you pray for me. and if you're reading this and you know i'm talking about you, please don't be angry and don't be upset. please just pray for me as i have for you for so long...i am confident that things will work out someday for the good.