steph's blog

hmmm...haven't posted in a few days. i've been incredibly busy though. thursday we had an away game...it was horrible, because i was sick and sitting in the cold dampness for four hours didn't make that much better, and i was just generally in a crappy mood, and i had a lot of things i should have been doing but wasn't, but it's all right...i'll just pay for it today, right?

uil area was yesterday, we came in 11th, which quite obviously means this is the end of the road for us. kind of sad really. although, to be honest, with everything i have going on in the next few weeks, i could really use a break from marching band. but it's wierd to think that i'm done with competition shows (except for november 9th at drumline contest) for the rest of high school. i think we were successful this year, though. i look back on my time since mid-july and to be honest if i could do it over again i would have done better at some things, i would have been more focused all the time, i would have been more strict, i would have, i would have... but the truth is all of that is pointless. this year i made a lot of friends, i felt like the whole drumline was one big family, we all talk to each other, we're all comfortable with each other, and we may have our differences, and we may not all be great players, but we worked hard. and i will truly miss these kids when i'm gone. they have so much talent and so much potential to become so much greater than i was, i hope that they act on that...

and, on top of and in front of and over everything else, i miss him right now. sometimes i think i'll have my feelings under control, and something happens that breaks the carefully built walls i've put up and i get swept away and i know it's horrible but i'm just like any other girl that ever walked the earth, i love being told i'm beautiful, i love having someone who can sweep me up and carry me far away from all my troubles to a place where i feel safe. is that so wrong? and i'm scared i won't get to see him today even though i promised him i could see him this weekend it's not working out like i thought it should because i'm so dang busy. the scary thing is it doesn't stop here, it keeps going on and on and on, and i keep running in this rat race, not really knowing why. right now life is so mindless, so pitiless, and he is my only escape, and i do not want to let it, let him, go...