something's strange

hope everyone's having a great first few days of school... and if you're not in school yet... well, you suck. *sticks tongue out and wiggles it*

something's different this year. i can feel it. i've changed. i don't like the way i've changed. i've lost something that was so important to me and i'm not sure how to get it back. look in my journal and you'll see it. one day out of the past week i've done my devotional. i'm supposed to be doing it every night. i can feel myself slipping further away, lost in the sweet-talking of those closest to me that tell me my faith doesn't make sense and in the laziness that is so often my nature. i've got to fight them, fight it. i'm finding that the longer you go without actually spending time with god, the harder it is to get started again, the harder it is to come to the heart-breaking realization that you need Him more than anybody else on this earth...

i guess it hit me particularly hard tonight because two of my very best friends here have boyfriends who recently converted to christianity partially as a result of them and their example. they are both such lights to the world, such radiant examples of what it means to be a princess of God. why not me? i used to be that, but now i feel like a fallen angel, halo torn down and wings broken. i doubt anybody notices my light... it used to be a bonfire but it's dwindled to a broken flame. i don't expect or necessarily even want the same in the relationship i'm in, but it pains me sometimes to know i can't have it, that it's out of reach and really out of the question at least for the time being. all because of me. because of my blatant inability to set a good example.

i feel a little weak and useless...