taking over me

i'm so ugly when i'm like this. i can be so beautiful, so strong, so independent, but today all i can make myself do is be pathetic and stupid. it's such a self-perpetuating cycle. i can see it all. i'm so freaked out that he'll decide i'm too much of a basket case for him and leave and thinking about that makes me even more of a basket case. god, i just got caught stalking the boy. i didn't even mean to be stalking him really, i was just seeing if he was home because he wasn't answering his phone, but he was in his front yard and there were people there and he looked at me like i was freakin crazy... god. the whole way i drove home thinking i have to get a grip on myself. i can't continue being like this, i'll literally go crazy thinking about this all of the time. he's right. it's not fair. i'm not being fair. i can't rely on him for my happiness as much as i have been. i should have learned by now that all that brings me is these stupid feelings of absolute hopelessness and emptiness. and i try to fill that void with more of him. it all makes sense and i wish it didn't because when all the pieces come together i see myself as i've become: a stupid hopelessly pathetic unstable bitch. i can't believe this is me. what made me become this way? how do i go back to being happy stephie again?